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Hello my name is Bernie Anderson and I am a pastor in the Dallas, TX area. Recently my story has been told in numerous articles and news reports regarding my history -- and subsequent recovery from pornography addiction.
Pornography was a long-time secret struggle for me and it was only after I confided in a friend after hitting "rock bottom" last summer that I began to see God bring about transformation. What God was telling me is that unless I open up my life and uncover my sin and become accountable I would continue to be a slave. My next step was to get some real help. I attended another 5-day workshop in October 2003.
Some of you will think that this is absolutely crazy and why in the world would anyone share this type of personal information? The truth is that I simply can't keep it in because it is so good what God has done in my life! This was a lifelong secret battle that I could not break away from until God told me to talk about it. Once I opened up to a friend, the power of this sin was broken in my life. Now I see that in order to continue to fight this battle, I have to testify of what God has done and continues to do.
"I waited patently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3
I hope that my story will help other pastors and Christian men who are secretly fighting the same battle. The reality is that this is a major problem for many men. If one man can be helped or encouraged to seek help, then my speaking-out publicly will have been worth it. If one pastor can be helped by this, then maybe it can have an impact on entire churches.
My journey out of this darkness came as God began to lift the haze and I was willing to admit to myself and to a close friend that I had a problem. I have spent years hiding in shame desperately keeping my sin hidden. I would beg God time and time again to heal me privately so that I wouldn't have to deal with the shame that would come from even one person knowing. But in secrecy I always found myself failing. The power of sexual sin is in its secrecy. As it stays hidden, it grows more intense. The truth is, that in my mind I had to avoid public knowledge because of my role in the Church. I have spent years building my reputation, my name, and the confidence of parishioners. I felt that I couldn't risk losing all that. Yet now that I have shared my story with thousands around the country - all I can say is praise God!
I understand God's process a bit more now because I can see how He was slowly breaking through the fear. You see, it is fear that keeps a man ensnared in this trap; it is a deep fear of intimacy -- of knowing others deeply and of being truly known by others. Whether it is fear of rejection, fear of not being able to relate, fear of inadequacy, or other fear, it is fear that keeps us "bound". It is much easier to relate to a computer monitor than to a real person. The airbrushed women in the pictures never reject you or turn you away. Slowly but surely I began to see God calling me to trust him as my heavenly Father. Calling me to take his hand and fear no more. To understand fully that I am loved by him and that He will never reject me or turn me away and thus I have no reason to fear. It is to understand where the Bible says in I John 4:18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
It was during the recovery workshop, in one of the small group sessions, for the first time ever, I shared my story with complete strangers. Immediately we became a "band of brothers". The story that I had held in for so long was now out. I was amazed at the similarities of each man's story. As I listened to each, there was a common theme: each had never told anyone. This sin was a part of their lives that they had kept hidden and quiet. But an incredible sense of relief came over each of us as we shared our personal struggles.
As I remain in contact with some of these men, I've learned that they no longer live in secret shame anymore and that they have opened their lives up and are living free.
The journey is by no means over. I am not free from temptation. I am on the right path to recovery. It feels good to be whole.
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Friday, May 30, 2008
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Santa Ana, CA
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Dallas, TX
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Columbus, OH
Friday, June 27, 2008
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Denver, CO
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Phoenix, AZ
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Jacksonville, FL
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